Sunday, December 31, 2006

Au revoir, 2006. Not a bad year, I think.

End-of-year portrait.

Had several successful parties, spent time with my best buddies Jeffrey, Patrick, and Brady. Met some new people, said goodbye to some others. Spent time with Brian, Jimbo, Archerr, Moby, Brett, and Chris. Made a fool of myself once or twice. Had a good cry a couple of times. Laughed more often. Made many fattening desserts- who knew I would become an expert at meringue pies and coconut cakes?

The future seems a little brighter after the November elections. Still, we have to spend another two years with that moron in charge. But I refuse to let that sour my good mood.

Who knows what 2007 will bring- I can't wait to find out.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

So Bush got his Christmas wish and Saddam is dead. I wanted to puke when I read the first couple of sentences of Bush's post-execution statement:

Today, Saddam Hussein was executed after receiving a fair trial -- the kind of justice he denied the victims of his brutal regime.

Fair trials were unimaginable under Saddam Hussein's tyrannical rule.

This is from the Great Decider who has ordered people locked up without trials, no access to lawyers, not able to see the secret evidence against them. Sounds like tyranny to me. Ordered a war in which 3,000 US soldiers and 100,000s of Iraqis have died. Sounds pretty brutal to me.

I don't see any difference between the two men. Both are/were pathetic excuses for human beings.

Friday, December 29, 2006

I'm grumpy, tell me a joke. Dammit.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

While watching Tim Burton's Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which made me crave chocolate immensely, a tremendous hailstorm started.

Hail falling.

I peeked out the front door, and then the back. The windows were rattling and the hail started piling up.

Back patio.

My back patio was covered, I feel sorry for my potted plants. I brought in my hoya plant, which has been in my family since 1947.

In this picture you can see the extension cord that I use to power "Martha," my mixer. My kitchen isn't wired for fancy modern electricity!
I could have had a snowball fight, but alas, no one to throw snowballs at. Feels almost like being back at home, except Mummy says that with global warming and all, they don't have any snow at her house in northern Michigan.

An ex told me I was fat. Sigh.

What compells people to tell you that sort of thing. I have been assured by other friends that I'm not fat. They must be telling the truth because these are the friends who are more than willing to tell me I'm going bald.

I tried to think of a snappy comeback like, "Well, XXXX, you are amazingly fit and handsome!" but that would be taking the high road and sometimes the one percent evil in me wants to be 99 percent mean and tasteless.

Yes, I could lose 10 pounds. Yes, I hate exercising alone. Yes, fancy laxatives and vomiting food up is really trendy among Hollywood Celebs, but I'm just a Tucson C-lister so I don't think that will happen.

Yummm, I just had leftover French bread pizza for lunch.

Monday, December 25, 2006

However you celebrate, I wish you the very best.

Holiday tree, 2006.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Holiday weekend update.

My attempts to make peanut brittle failed- I burned the sugar as it melted and it went downhill from there.

Finished watching season 2.5 of Battlestar Gallactica. Very surprising ending.

Finished holiday shopping, chatted with Mummy and was glad she got her presents yesterday.

I'm sporting a short beard and a scruffy goatee- not sure how long that will last.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

I had my friends over for mac & cheese, mashed taters, asparagus, and (of course) lemon meringue pie.

Jay, Mike, and Larry.

Afterwards we retired to the living room and made holiday cards, using a set of Mexican Loteria cards for inspiration.

Holiday cards.

I'm looking forward to the three-day weekend. Just me, my new DVD player, and Battlestar Gallactica and Rome. YEAH!!!

In five words or less, explain why KLF's "Justified and Ancient" is the best pop song of the early 1990s.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Worst Christmas present ever...

Snowpants. I was 10. I wanted that book on Pompeii so bad. What was my mother thinking?

What was your worst Holiday season present ever?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Santa came early in the form of Patrick and Brady who gave me a very shiny, thin DVD player. They are the best buddies ever! And it comes with a lovely remote control- I'm so staying on the couch and pointing and clicking.

In other news, my throat hurts still from making all those zombie noises. I'd never make a good professional zombie.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

I was Extra Number 13, the Zombie Cowboy, in a student movie today.

Before zombification.

Over a 5.5 hour period I chewed on baby brains, was spattered with blood and gore, and impressed the film crew by allowing them to ruin my cowboy hat (it was too tight anyways, next year I'll be Zombie Cowboy for Halloween.

After zombification.

The short film (they said it will be about three minutes long) focuses on a political rally and the zombie-like following people have towards certain politicians. I'll get to see it on January 23- I can't wait.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

A useful talent. For some reason I can piece together broken pots really fast and make everything fit well. Give me a pot, a conservator-approved glue, and some masking tape- in an hour or two I'll have it reconstructed.

Last week the ceramic expert at work asked me to put together a very unusual pot. It is actually uncommon to reconstruct pots nowadays- they take up more space at the museum we send the artifacts to, and that costs more money. So generally, they get sent in the way they come in from our dig sites- bagged together and broken.

In this case, the fragments of the pot had unusual round areas where something had broken off. I thought it was an effigy vessel- made to resemble an animal.

Side view.

I laid the hundred or so pieces out and started at the bottom, quickly determining that the round areas were the places where ceramic legs had once attached and broken off, way back when the pot was being used. The red-on-brown designs indicates it dates to around A.D. 1100-1350. As I fit on the pieces making up the curved sides, I found that a head that had been at the front of the pot had also been broken off and lost. The little pointed tail was intact. I finished by attaching the round opening at the top. It took about two hours. The next day I removed the masking tape. Everyone who looked at the vessel were amazed at its large size and unusual shape.

Bottom showing round areas where legs were once attached.

Originally it was probably a dog, deer, or bighorn sheep. It may have had some ceremonial significance, but this is uncertain. After the legs broke off it was still used, as seen by wear on the vessel's base. It was found on the floor of a pithouse, lying among several other vessels left behind when the structure burned down.

Just to be clear- the last thing I would do is sell artifacts or loot sites. So many sites have been destroyed by people looking for artifacts to sell- often digging through graves to look for pots or other items. Everything I find ends up at a museum, where they are kept for future researchers and some of the more interesting items placed on display. The reports that I write describe the sites and artifacts in detail. Any burials (including all artifacts) are returned to the descendant communities for reburial.

Friday, December 15, 2006

What was your best Christmas present ever?

Here's my confession, I can't think of one present that I got that blew me away. Okay, that's a terrible lie because I just now remembered how excited I was to get the Visible Man- that was a fucking great educational toy.

Someone told me I was hard to buy for. That's a terrible lie, as seen by my Amazon wish list, where I basically keep track of things that I would get myself, if I ever had the inclination to do so.

So what was your best Christmas/Holiday present?

Thursday, December 14, 2006

My friends Mark and Sandy are in town from Sydney- Sandy has just completed his doctorate and is now Dr. Sandy.

Mark and Sandy.

We went out to the bar and watched a drag show- goodness, those gurls wear elaborate outfits. Unforts, my pics did not turn out.

I don't think I'd make a good female impersonator- especially at this very moment with the very bushy beard I'm sporting.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Tofu will make your cock shrink and grow man-tits. This is according to James Rutz, chairthing of MegaShit Ministries. It can also turn you into a simpering effete fagmo because soy has so many mega-powerful female-mones. I should know, I've had tofu on more than one occasion. And look at me, gosh, my wrists are so limp I'm signed up for a pisiform-greater multiangular-capitate transplant.

Educational moments, courtesy of Wikipedia: Tofu is made by coagulating soy milk and pressing the resulting curds. Although pre-made soy milk may be used, most tofu producers begin with their own soy milk, which is produced by soaking, grinding, boiling, and straining dried (or, more rarely, fresh) soybeans.

FYI: In Chinese, the term "to eat tofu" (吃豆腐) is a commonly used euphemism for implying the unsolicited groping of a woman's breast or other body parts. And: Also in the Cantonese language, the term "mash tofu" is slang term for lesbian sex.

If tofu is so goddam awful, why isn't it included in the list of prohibited unclean foods in Leviticus?

Personally, I know tofu and other soy products are Satan's curse because if I open my somewhat feminine lips, masticate those tainted substances with my prissy teeth, and then swallow them into my very homosexual innards, the MOST AWFUL GASSEOUS EXPLOSIONS EVER take place. I am not exagerating here. You don't want to be in neighboring states or standing on the San Andreas Fault after I eat tofurkey or soy ice cream. The seismometers at the University starting vibratin' and the scientists sigh, "Oh, Homer had Chinese food again!" The smell makes my cats leave the room, probably because they are aware that just breathing in the gas will make them super femmy pussies.

So yeah, I don't need some nitwit Xtian telling me soy/tofu is/are evil, I already knew that.

Scruff and Puff Tuesday.

Homer and Puff.

Ohmigod, why does Homer have a tie on? Answer: Because he can. About twice a year I wear a tie to work. It confuses everybody, since archaeologists are notoriously casual and sloppy dressers. Of course, I am also wearing sandals and socks, but you can't tell that by the photo.

Puff knows how to get the back door open if it isn't completely closed. So he'll use his claws to pull it open and then run outside and then totally freak because it is the outside with all those wierd smells and growing things and birds. But what is even more annoying is that Daddy always grabs him and takes him back inside because he doesn't want Puff to be a snack for some neighborhoodd dog or coyote. Or get fleas from Outside Kitty, who lives under the bush and glares at me if I don't keep his food bowl full.

So I've procrastinated enough, I guess it is time to hop in the Saturn (with a new back windshield!) and drive to work. Wonder what adventures I'll have today?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Towards the end of the Holiday Party the lights went out and the handful of guys left sat in a candle-lit living room and told silly jokes.

Frank, John, and Patrick decorate cookies.

Not a huge crowd this year, and so many, many, many cookies to take to work.

Olivia and Jeffrey C. make pipe cleaner ornaments.

Everyone had a good time. I'm amazingly tired from hours of cleaning, cooking, and yardwork. No more parties until Non-Denominational Decorated Boiled Egg Party.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

I promised Archerr that I wouldn't put a lot of glitter on the cards that I made this year. Last night Patrick and I made cards while watching funny videos on YouTube.

Holiday cards, 2006.

My sense of humor is a bit different than Patrick, he didn't appreciate the Margaret Cho video that I found through Marc's blog. It makes me laugh. A lot. Too much.

Friday, December 08, 2006

The easy way to get a free Holiday Tree. Have the guy at the tree lot smash your back windshield with the tree trunk.


Brady was amazed at how calm I was. I pay lots of car insurance, so I get free window replacement. Unfortunately, I get to be white trash the next few days, driving around with the window out.

I got a 7-ft-tall tree, and Vince put the miniature lights on.

Vince puts lights on.

The guys put the ornaments on and afterwards Vince and I made a wreath around the mirror above the fire place.

Making wreath.

We watched Rudolph and then Frosty and then some other lame show. Frosty was never a favorite of mine.

Vince, Mollie, Patrick, and Brady.

Tomorrow, yardwork and housework.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Go to Brian's blog and vote for which T-shirt is the best. Do it, or I will be very, very put out and pouty.

Jeffrey came over and for the fourth year in a row helped me make dozens and dozens of Holiday cookies.

Homer and Jeffrey cutting cookies.

I always get covered in flour.

Cookies baking in the Kenmore Visibake.

Occasionally I would yell for Brady to come help me move them onto a platter. I ate too much dough and now have an awful sugar headache. I'm through eating cookies for a while.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Have you picked a present out for Mary Cheney's baby shower? I'm giving her birth control pills.

Mary and Heather search for a worthy Republican stud.

So who's the Daddy? I'm sure Mary and Heatha marched right down to the Republican sperm bank (blacks and Mexicans need not apply!) and pursed their Republican lesbiamaniac lips while studying the credentials of their turkey bastee. He had to have the right family background, be an ardent tax-cutter, and have the right legal skills to ensure that Mary's "wife" Heather could get around those annoying laws in Virginia, passed through the efforts of the Republican party, that ensure that the wifey can't adopt Mary's brat or be treated in any way like the child's mama. But with the amount of money Mary's due to get from Daddy and the windfall book advancement (What book you say? Why, the enormous mega-hit, The DaCheney Code!), they have lotsa cash to pay for the very best legal help.

So who is your pick for the squirt of semen? I await your vote.

Daddy Rove?

Daddy Foley?

Daddy Melhman?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Dear Santa, I've been really, really good this year (I can provide references!). Following Jimbo's lead, here is my want list:

1). Reno 911 DVDs.

2). An offset spatula.

3). A vintage aluminum Christmas tree- silver or pink.

4). Pretty mixing bowls.

5). A trip to Turkey.

And is Santa wants to send a nice bf, that would be nice too.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

What time is it? The lemons are ripening on the tree, so it is time to make a lemon meringue pie! I use the Home and Garden cookbook recipe, adding more corn starch and lemon rind to make it tarter and thicker. Instead of a three egg white meringue, I purposely overdo it with a five egg white meringue. Awesome, dude!

Mountains of Meringue.

For a moment, I was possessed by the spirit of a Valley Dude. Watched hours of Battlestar Gallactica, speaking of awesome, the start of Season 2 is pretty exciting.

Also went through my closet and pulled out Holiday stuff. Hung up my big lights outside. Cookie making will take place next week, along with massive house cleaning. Holiday Party is in a week!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Old Navy pants suck. I will never, ever buy a pair there again.

Yesterday I had to go watch a backhoe trench being dug at a site I had worked on. I bent over to look at something and RIP! The pair of corduroys tore at the back pocket. I couldn't leave to go put a different pair on. By the end of the day the tear was halfway down my back leg. The construction workers were making fun of me.

This afternoon I got home and as I climbed out of my car, the new pair of Old Nacy jeans I had bought went RIP! I just dropped the check to pay for them in the mail last night.

No, my butt isn't getting bigger. Old Navy makes cheap, poorly constructed pants and I won't be shopping there any more. The end.

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