Thursday, October 14, 2004

When I was in high school and college I was so filled with insecurity and self doubt. I was the biggest follower, paralyzed to make an actual decision because someone might not like my idea or opinion. I was so afraid of being left out, and I often was, overlooked by the other kids. I think part of this was a result of having to hide my gay/queer/faggot side. Growing up in northern Michigan, well that the way it was. Part of it was my lack of social skills. My parents always wanted their kids at home, my father especially had this truly pathological desire to run [ruin?] our lives. I remember arriving at the University of Michigan and feeling so awkward, so socially inept, because I hadn't had much experience dealing with people in real-life situations.

After I came out of the closet my junior year my life improved. I stopped worrying so much what others thought of me. Finding out that I was a really good archaeologist gave me a lot of self confidence. I can see things in the dirt, feel the texture, know what to dig out and what to leave in place. Discovering that, goddam that made me feel good about myself.

I still find myself feeling socially inept at times. I used to worry I would never find a boyfriend. Then had one for 5.5 years, only to see him walk out unexpectedly. That was a dark time, two years ago, and the feelings of anger still rest uneasily under the surface. I sometimes worry about whether I'll find someone again, Tucson is such a small town. I'm waiting for Mr. Right to come along [has to like cats, doesn't mind a bit of nerdiness, doesn't mind.... oh I'm not going to talk about that...].

So what am I jabbering about? I'm going to DC next week and will be meeting a bunch of bloggers (e.g. Jimbo, Archerr, Chrisafer, GeekSlut, Dogpoet, Joe.My.God) and I suddenly have these high school feelings of inadequacy. Will they like me? What if I wear the wrong clothes? Will I look goofy? Will I be tongue-tied? Will I measure up? I sorta felt this way when I went to NYC in May to meet up with Mark, Steven, and Patrick, but for some reason it is coming on much stronger this time. It really reminds me of how I agonized about things in high school- the angst, the mental twists and turns. It is all very silly and human, it kinda amazes me how little things from your past can pop up and haunt you. Boo!

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