Saturday, May 13, 2006

Dear National Security Agency,

It has come to my attention that my phone provider, Qwest, refused to turn over their records to your agency. Obviously, Qwest is run by a cabal of communistic, atheistic sodomizers who force their interns into degrading and nasty double penetration scenes, the likes of which are rarely seen outside of Rick Santorum’s office. I am a patriotic person, I vote, I pay taxes, I have personally raised the morale of members of the Army, Air Force, and Navy. Because of Qwest’s traitoristic behavior, I’ve decided it is my responsibility to send along my phone records to add to your totally-legal-and-without-a-doubt-used-only-to find-terrorists-or Democrats database.

Let’s see, during the billing period from 4 April to 30 April 2006, a total of 139 incoming and outgoing calls are associated with my telephone number. These calls ranged in length from one minute to 38, totaling 1022 minutes! I see that I called Archerr, Jimbo, RJ, Brian, Mike in Chicago, Brady, Brett, Moby, Pat, and my mother. As far as I know, none of these individuals are terrorists but for the sake of National Security I recommend doing full cavity searches on Archerr and Jimbo (preferably smooth, musclebound agents for the former and hairy, bearded ones for the latter).

I’m embarrassed to relate to you that my next phone bill will include several phone calls to Canada, a nation well known for socialistic medicine and other depravities. Please note that Larry is Jewish and therefore likely to be a natural enemy of most Islamic terrorists. However, it is reported that he has a Weapon of Ass Destruction, so maybe you should come do one of those full cavity searches on me anyways.

Sincerely and syncophantly,


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