Tuesday, May 23, 2006

What caused me to be me? I wonder why I have the personality, beliefs, desires that I have.

I grew up in small towns in northern Michigan. My father was a truck driver until I was 10, a farmer afterwards. My mother stayed at home. We were lower middle class. There wasn’t money for extras. I wore hand-me-downs and once in a great while we got candy or pop, those were great luxuries.

I went to average schools until 4th grade and poor schools after that. When I was in second grade my teacher realized I was ahead of the rest of the class and put me in an advanced reading program. That was the only special attention I ever got in school. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to go to a better school, would I find math easier?

My father had mental problems, a result of his treatment by his mother. He never grew up, in some ways, never became completely responsible. After we started farming he frequently was cruel to me and my brother. We were the scapegoats for everything that went wrong. Frankly, I don’t miss him, it is too bad he never understood himself.

I knew I liked guys since I was in first grade. I had crushes on Steven J. in 5th grade. I was gawky and uncoordinated and developed late. I was never interested in girls but that was okay because I was a nerd. I came out of the closet my junior year in college. My life improved immensely.

My mother did not believe in racism and even though we grew up in a very, very white area, her views were imparted on me. I look at the individual rather than the group. I find men of all types hot, I know that would surprise some people. Sometimes I say “Republican” on my blog and that isn’t fair, because many Republicans don’t do or support the naughty things the Republican leaders are doing. I apologize.

I believe in giving money to the needy. I don’t particularly care to be rich. I am already rich, when compared to people living 60 miles away in Nogales, Sonora. I do not live in a tin and cardboard shack. I am thankful for that.

I am lucky to have a career I really like and I am good at. I have a nice, old house with three cats and a dog. I have good friends and I make them laugh often. I am lucky.

So what made me, me? A lot of things. My mother’s insistence I go to college. Looking at that Penthouse magazine and being more interested in the man than the woman. Petting Ferdinand the bull right before they shot him. Having my heart broken. And all the adventures and unhappy moments and surprises that lie ahead.

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