Wednesday, September 08, 2004

I haven't watched the new Amish reality show. Besides trying to limit tv time to a couple of hours a week, I really don't need to watch it. You see, my older brother Buck joined the Amish church back in 1996 or 1997, and so when I go back to Michigan to visit I get to participate in my own Amish reality show.

Buck is two years older than me and has always been a fraidy-cat. He was afraid of everything- always just so sure that some awful calamity would happen. If our parents were late getting home he just knew they had been killed in a terrible accident. I convinced him to get on a fair ride with me when he was about 14 (Salt n Pepper Shaker, I believe) and he screamed so hard they stopped the ride to let him off. Back in 1990 he and I and Mummy drove out to North Dakota to attend the opening ceremony at the rebuilt fort I had helped dig up. Whenever I drove he would grip the door and gasp out loud every time someone came by in the opposing lane. Finally I said, "You know, I've never been in an accident!" (actually, I shouted). His response, "There's always a first time!"

So joining the Amish was perfect for him. Everything is planned- church on Sunday, singing on Thursday nights, and so on. Technology, with a few notable exceptions, is stuck back in the 1850s to 1870s time range. They don't believe in paying interest so he was able to pay off his 20 acre farm in less than five years. He seems very happy and I'm pretty sure he hasn't spent a lot of time cruising the internet, since the Amish don't mess with computers.

Oh, and Amish men (except my brother who takes after my father) are generally hot. Lean, musclely, rosey cheeks, white teeth. At my grandmother's wake the only reason I didn't burst out crying was because I was distracted by the hot Amish guys, deciding which one would be best at comforting me. And those Amish guys are so fertile! My brother initially lived with Joseph and Mary (really!) and in eight years Mary has had seven or eight kids. Unfortunately, she named her sons LaVerne and LaWayne, I guess they didn't watch sitcoms in the 1970s or realize that those boys are saddled with inner-city kinda names.

Well anyway, I'm rambling. I'm happy for my brother and enjoy visiting him- he has goats and as Wayne would agree, goats are almost as cute as llamas. I even like feeding the pig. Rabbits are nice too but one of the baby ones peed on me and I really don't like being pissed on. Too bad there aren't some cute gay Amish guys, they have really charming accents too.

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