Sunday, November 07, 2004

I apologize to everyone. Karl Rove said today that Bush will be pushing for the Federal Marriage Amendment in order to have a “hopeful and decent society.” In my selfish desire for equal rights, I never considered what an indecent and hopeless person I was. I guess that explains why, when I arrive at work, I hear all of the depraved stories told by my co-workers. I’m rubbing off on them. My very presence is causing them to do all sorts of despicable and disgusting things.

I suspect I am the causal factor in two of Rush Limbaugh’s three divorces. Unnamed sources attribute his drug addiction to me as well, since Rush needed those pain killers because of some obscure letter to the editor that I wrote. Bill Bennett says his gambling addiction was caused by that wretchedly sinful lecture I gave on Spanish period archaeology. Jane Wyman just called to remind me that, although I was just a twinkle in my father’s left testicle, that twinkle caused Ronald Reagan to divorce her. Lastly, Bill O’Reilly was just copying me when he told his assistant that he was going to fuck some Italian girls after visiting with the Pope.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m pretty fucking indecent. Wanna find out?

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