Friday, December 03, 2004

My last year in Ann Arbor I lived in a house on Anne Street with Les, Mike, Charley, Katy, and Nan. We all paid the same amount for rent, even though our rooms varied dramatically in size. Since I was the last one to sign up I got the awful room under the stairs, the one that was once the maid's room with doors leading to the kitchen and dining room and the front hall. You could hear every word spoken on the first floor. Most memorable was the time Nan sobbed to Katy, "Oh I'm so unhappy and yet I can't stop smiling! Look at me! I'm crying and smiling at the same time!" I put the pillow over my head and hummed really loud to block the rest of that conversation out.

Lots of petty alliances, an earlier version of Survivor. Les and Homer against Charley, Katy, and Nan. Charley and Katy against Nan. Etc. Mike was a diplomat and got along with everyone. Little did we know he was secretly sleeping with Charley's super sexy boyfriend.

Charley was the most amazing of the bunch. Let's just say he was sometimes a little off. I remember him telling us about his father's impotency device, one of those inflatable penis things where you squeezed a bulb and this thing blew up inside the shaft and made a hard on. And his father demonstrated how it worked to him. Yikes, that would be the last thing I would want to see. He was also convinced that his mother's ghost was trapped inside a door at his family home. And he kept this awful diary where he wrote mean things about Les and I and we found it and would give dramatic readings to our friends. Oh, we were the roommates from hell. Now doubt about it.

On the plus side I dated the hottest guy in Ann Arbor and still remember the mess on the blue bean bag. The mess that I failed to clean adequately, and the next day as Katy sat on the bean bag I looked over and realized, "Oh, there is semen all over that bean bag still!"

I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking about that house. Nan would do exercises in the living room to strengthen her vaginal muscles. Charley left a letter on Mike's computer pleading for mercy after he got caught plagarizing. The time the gas was turned off for three days in February and we had no heat or hot water. Getting up every day and going to the worst job I've ever had, where the library director had the largest nostrils I've ever seen. The best day was the day the Park Service called up and hired me for a dig and I left and became a fulltime archaeologist.

I still go visit Les and Mike, they are my best friends and we have so much fun together. I recently came across naked pics of Charley, I think he has taken some enhancing stuff because he went from being super skinny to freakishly huge. I sometimes wonder what happened to Nan and Katy, whether they are as neurotic as ever. Poor Les lived with Katy for a couple more years and has a bunch of even more bizarre stories, but maybe I'll save those for a rainy day. [note, I've changed the names of most people in this story, I'd hate for them to be embarrassed at how awful I'm being].

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