Homer'sWorld

Most bizarre Craigslist item.

For the Bake Sale.


Sweet onion and red pepper quiche, lemon meringue tarts, and a lemon meringue pie.

I ramble.

- If I'd been born a girl, I would have been named Carolyn.
- Mollie had diarrhea all over the house this morning. As I was cleaning the mess up, trying not to puke, Vince came to told me his evaporative cooler was dead. As I was fixing it ($75.65 in parts), I could smell the horrible smell of the 1950s landfill being removed a couple thousand feet to the east.
- There are 10 bloggers on my blog list that I wouldn't mind making out with.
- This song is very calming:

Readers have spoken. I'm making lemon meringue tarts.

Bake sale. A co-worker is hosting a bake sale to raise money for a hunger charity. What should I make?

1). Chocolate chip cookies.
2). Yellow cupcakes with coconut frosting.
3). Lemon meringue tarts.

Please vote in the comment section- I'm baking on Thursday night!

We went to Gay West out at Old Tucson. It was an alright time, we mostly people watched. They hadn't had this event for about three or four years, and there were fewer people than the last time I went.


Jeffrey S., Forrest, and Homer.

Old Tucson used to be a film studio where western movies and television shows were made. After a mysterious fire in the 1990s, it was remade as an amusement park and has suffered since from low attendance. Since they aren't making any films there, less reason for people to want to go.

Lots of bats flying around catching bugs- I really like bats. And speaking of bugs, these two were posed next to my porch light when I got home.


Bugs.

So we went bowling. At the Golden Pins Lanes. It was fun, despite the super loud music that annoyed Forrest.


Forrest handles the big balls.

A radio station was having a promotion event and I won a DVD for a movie Brady rented last week and called "absolutely horrible."


John.

My high score was 128. I don't think that is very good. I blame it all on my slippery shoes, which were very, very unattractive in a Kenneth Cole way.


Moi.

I am now one of those "straight-acting, masculine guys like totally into sports."

I haven't had a cavity in 22 years.


Minty fresh.

"Destroying human life in the hopes of saving human life is not ethical," Mr. Bush said. He vetoed a stem cell bill while moving his lips. I bet if they showed that stem cell research could make your cock bigger, he'd he spending money left and right on science.

While he was busy being presidential, another 14 American soldiers died in Iraq in the last two days, along with over 100 Iraqi civilians. But I guess human embryos are about a zillion times more important than people who can actually breath and shit and do other normal human activities.

I wonder what Paris and Britney are doing today?

100 degrees of separation. People ask me, "Why no air conditioner when you live in Tucson?" The implication is that I'm either a martyr or an idiot or both.

Well, I'm not a complete idiot, I do have an evaporative cooler (aka, "swamp cooler"). It is quite effective when the humidity is low and/or it is below 95 degrees. Once above those levels, it isn't so great.

My house was built in 1927 and has the original spool and wires up in the attic. My electrician said a couple of years ago that it will cost approximately $10,000 to rewire the entire house since everything from the pole onward has to be redone. Currently, my 1927 wiring does not accomodate three-pronged appliances, so I can't use a window mounted unit, unless I run an extension cord around the side of the house. I don't happen to have $10,000 lying around, so until my sugar daddy magically appears, I'll just sweat.

Brady says to me, "The salad was really good except for that funny colored leaf that tasted like artichoke." Homer said, "That's because I put artichokes in the salad."

Fuck it is hot here.

Post 1300: Homer does Dallas. Mark has written a detailed description of my experiences in Dallas. It is true what they say, everything is supersized there- especially women's makeup.

A photo essay, you'll have to imagine the scenes involved.


Mark and Brian, the hosts with the mosts.


Steven.


Homer and Justin.


Homer and Adam.


Homer and Kyle, in the bathroom at the Hidden Door.


Mike and Jim.


Andy, a very cute 23-year-old.

Okay, I will admit. Young Andy was super charming. I had fun making him laugh.

I'm back in Tucson and it is a zillion degrees. I really need to get AC for my little house.

My Dallas trip so far: fun.

I'm in Dallas at Mark and Brian's beautiful house. Really, Mark should come help me pick out furniture.

Justin picked me up at the airport. In 1986, I went on my first plane ride ever with him, to NYC. He looks exactly the same. Only older. Except he didn't get a little belly like I did. Ohmigod, it was the fastest time out of an airport ever- the bag magically appeared while I was in the bathroom. He lives in Dallas's gayborhood and sure enough, the place is crawling with homosexuals.

We hung out and chit-chatted for hours. Then he brought me over to Mark and Brian's and afterwards M, B, and Steven and I went to a Mexican place and I enjoyed vegetables. I haven't been eating very healthy lately, when it gets hot in Tucson I don't feel like cooking.

Anyhows, I'm enjoying my lazy day and I'm doing exactly what I wanted to do today- nothing. Well, I'm playing online and I'm going to watch some telly and read some and vacate all day long. Tonight we are going out to dinner and some bars and I get to meet Adam and his bf Brad. I hope Brad doesn't mind if I squeeze Adam's biceps a little. But hey, I'm on vacation and what happens in Dallas, stays in Dallas.

Brady asked me to go see a classic horror film tonight. Now I understand why "horror" and "horrible" are such similar words.


Brady and Homer, scared.

The auditorium was overflowing with nerds. I was unimpressed by the movie, and was startled when members of the audience clapped vigorously at several seemingly mundane scenes. I guess I am missing out on something vital and important.

Tomorrow, I board the aluminum tube of death and head off to Dallas to hang out with Sue Ellen and Pam.

Fuck if I don't hate clothes shopping. We are going to a nice restaurant in Dallas and I needed a dressy shirt. Because of my intelligent design, my torso is extra long and concurrently, my arms are extra long. See exhibit A, below.


Exhibit A, Homer monkeyensis.

Most stores don't carry "Tall" long-sleeved shirts. Or if they do, there are triple-large and that's not very useful. I visited The Gap, Banana Republic, Eddie Bauer, and finally found a shirt at J.C. Penney's (don't tell Mark!). So my pointy wrists won't stick out when I'm in Dallas.

Don't get me started on pants.

I made celery and onion quiche to take to the pool party. When I make this sorta thing, I just invent a recipe in my head. This one had diced celery, a Vidalia onion, fresh herbs from my garden, some mild cheese, and eggs. Celery and tomato slices on top as a pretty-upper.


Celery and onion quiches.

The water volleyball party was fun, but I mostly forgot to take pictures or the pictures have anatomical parts that aren't usually displayed on this website.


Homer and Roger.

I like how the pink blanket drapes so gracefully over Brady's shoulders.

Brady.

As we were getting ready to leave I checked my cell phone and discovered that Scott had called. He was in Tucson, on his way back from Flagstaff. So Patrick, Brady, and I rushed home and then Scott and I went to The Grill for supper. Tasty food and a nice friend to hang out with.


Homer and Scott.

I gave him one of my Threadless t-shirts as a present. I told him to think of me when he is wearing it in San Francisco. I'm going there in September to visit peoples, so I'll be seeing him then.

I forgot to take steroids. And get an armband tattoo or one with Chinese characters. And multiple piercings. I missed the sale on leather harnesses and jockstraps. I do have a couple of vintage t-shirts, one of which is a particular favorite.

Looking (for educational purposes only) at the men in the Falcon, Titan, and other pornos- they all look Tom of Finland-like. They are so fricken huge, muscle-wise. When did that happen? We have a couple of guys like that here in Tucson, a couple actually. Their heads are tiny, tiny, tiny in comparison with the rest of their bodies. Little itty bitty heads, and arms bigger than my thighs.

Lucky for me, most guys in Tucson have natural bodies. I do notice that the college guys are built- when I'm chatting with Archerr while on the way home from work I always have to stop at the stoplight next to the U Arizona gym. "Look at those guns!"

Anyways, today is the first naked pool volleyball party at Richard's and I'm looking forward to jumping in the pool and being a goof.

I confess.

I actually felt sorry for Paris Hilton, weeping on the way to jail. Poor girl, she wasn't raised right. Money truly does not buy happiness (although, I am perfectly willing to see whether money buys me happiness, if you happen to have a spare million sitting around).

A lot of people have expressed glee about what has happened. I'm not perfect by any means, but I cannot feel happiness for another person's unhappiness.

It's summer here in Arizona, but not as hot as normal. My tomato plants have made five tomatoes so far- the ones that actually taste like real tomatoes. I sliced them up, put them on white bread with mayo and some fresh ground black pepper, and that was supper for two nights in a row.


Tomatoes and Mollie.

It is Saturday at 7:59 AM and my weekend chores are already done. I've got to make a cake for a pool party tomorrow, so that is the only major activity planned. Maybe I'll go take a nap right now. Too bad a certain someone wasn't handy to take a nap with.

Two ugly things:

The 2012 Olypmics logo. Someone describes this as looking like Maggie Simpson giving head.


What the fuck?

Bush's Surgeon General candidate: Dr. James Holsinger.


Dr. Pervert.

Christ, this guy is freaked about butt-fucking. Don't stick sharp things in your butt! Goddamit, if a doctor says not to stick pointy thangs into my behind, I sure as hell aint gonna do dat!!! Oh course, I've yet to meet Mr. Pointy Penis.

Dinner with Frank and then Wii afterwards.


Homer and Frank.

He beat me at most of the games, Frank did. Luckily, Brady came home and showed him what was what.

A week from today I'm off to Dallas to see Mark and Adam. I told Mark that I wanted to spend one day just lounging around with the tv remote in my hand channel changing. Maybe I'm really straight?

Just say no to crack. I live on the floodplain that used to be very wet until all of the ground water was pumped away and the water table dropped by about, oh, 200 ft or so. That's a bunch of meters, for those not into old fashioned measurements.

One result of the ground water sinking is that the floodplain sediments are slowing compacting. Another result is that my house keeps shifting about. A few years ago a huge crack opened in my front wall- I could see daylight through the wall of my dining room. It eventually closed up.

Right now the back corner of my house is moving around pretty dramatically.

The backside of my kitchen.

It is reaching rather alarming proportions, and of course insurance doesn't cover this sort of thing.


The crack inside the kitchen. And my lovely clock.

I'm hoping like every other time, it will decide to move back.


Door frame movement.

It would be really annoying if the back of my house fell off. Perhaps more annoying than me stepping in dog poop with my barefeet last night. Sigh.

I drove down to Bisbee to hang out with Scott. I like Bisbee, an old mining town scrunched up along several narrow, steep canyons. Part of the town was devoured by a deep mining pit. Perhaps a bit touristy, but it's cooler there and the place has an interesting feel about it.

So anyhow, I met Scott's friend Carolyn who is the singer in their band Electroglyph. She has an amazing voice (click on her link to hear her) and writes dense, beautiful lyrics. Scott's music is amazing too, he's really talented. He gets the Homer Seal of Approval.


Scott at work.

The Bed & Breakfast was pretty dreadful, although the visiting woman from DC was thrilled by the froo-froo decor. She told us several times was beautiful it was. I had a hard time seeing anything because of the doilies, "cute" framed pictures, and fake flowers. The house was built in 1907 but was decorated in some alternate reality Victorian theme. The best thing about the breakfast was the jalapeno jelly. In any case, I was more interested in hanging out with Scott than anything else.

On the way out of Bisbee this morning I stopped at Evergreen Cemetery and walked around taking photos. I could smell the cedar trees there. Many of the tombstones were homemade, with many plots outlined in concrete slabs. An older Mexican man was mixing concrete nearby, and taking from his wheelbarrow and dumping it into a form he had made. He was very intent on what he was doing.

Mexican tombstone.

I got home and had an email from a medical show in England that wants to use a picture of a bruise on my butt that I posted on my blog for a medical segment. I checked Google Images, and sure enough, it comes up on the first page. I've never had a picture of my naked butt on the telly before.

It feels like Saturday because I had to give tours of the archaeology dig all day yesterday. So, I tried to sleep in on Satursunday, but the zombie nightmare woke me up. So I'm sitting at the internets and wishing Tucson had a hub airport so I could just jump on a plane and be somewhere with many single redheaded men much faster than it currently takes. Of course, living in a smaller town has its advantages, such as when the totally hot anchorperson who interviewed you in 2005 says hello at the archaeology open house.